Today's blog post is brought to you by the letters W, T, and F - as well as our usual sponsor, All The Feelings. The title is a direct quote from a post I read in my newsfeed this morning. She was absolutely being sincere. That is her weight loss goal. I will not delve into all the ways I think that statement/goal are sad and wrong, but I will say - whatever happened to just wanting to be the best YOU that you can be? And why do women find it so necessary to be in competition with each other? I know that I am VERY guilty of comparing myself to others. Thinking that I am not as good as someone else because she's thin/married/a mom/has a good job/whatever I think I'm lacking in. BUT. There is a difference in thinking that and acting on it. Life is hard enough - let's not make it even harder for ourselves and others by being bitchy to other women. Why can't we just celebrate ourselves and each other for the good, positive things that we're doing? I don't get it.
ANYWHO. That's not where this post was headed. This post has been rolling around mah brain meats for a few days now, and I just haven't had the strength to write it. It's gonna be tough. It's already tough. I'm already ugly crying, and I haven't even shared it with anyone. I feel like a failure and a disappointment, like I'm letting everyone down. Again. Ok, here goes.
I can't do this. The weight loss thing, I mean. And that isn't meant to solicit the "yes you can!" response - because I know that *other people* think I can (don't get me wrong, I cherish all the love and support and encouragement). But the thing is...it doesn't matter how much others believe in me and my ability/capacity to do this and stick with it...nothing will change until I believe it (and follow through).
It is too hard, will take too long, and I have been this way for so long now I don't know how to be another way. I honestly believe that I am just meant to be like this...existing like this...until I die and have to get carted out by 12 of the strongest dudes the EMT staff can provide. That's how this life always ends. I can't have weight loss surgery because I have no way to pay for it, and in my mind it has become the only viable solution for me losing enough weight to be healthy, in a reasonable amount of time so that I can get the hernias fixed and move on with life.
Every time I get some momentum going, where I've walked every day, made good food choices, and am starting to see the tiniest of baby changes - something happens to derail it. I've been so sick. I am still so sick. I rolled my ankle, badly, on ice this week. It hurts to put weight on, so even the shortest power walk is out. I've been shoveling snow, but it doesn't feel the same somehow. I don't even want to say these things because it just sounds like I'm making it up at this point. I'm not, but I know how it sounds. (And good decisions with food? What's THAT life like?)
I am scared, and tired, and overwhelmed. I am weak and pathetic. I want this, but I can't/won't put in the work. The bottom line is, it still comes down to not believing that I am worth saving - another thing that other people can tell me is simply not true, but until I figure it out for myself, it's never going to get better.
I don't even know how to end this. I'm frustrated and sad. Really, *really* sad.
